Mr. Shore Argues to SCOTUS
Believe it or not, I'm a sucker for lawyer TV shows, in part because they're so unrealistic they make me laugh. I'd pretty much given up on ABC's Boston Legal this season; for various reasons, I thought the show had jumped the shark. But I couldn't help noticing Tuesday's episode entitled "The Court Supreme," in which James Spader's character, Alan Shore, argues an appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court on behalf of a mentally challenged man facing the death penalty for raping a child.
If you have ever watched the show and have seen one of Alan's politically tinged, closing-argument rants, you can imagine what happened. (Pssssst. Hey Alan. One of the first rules of appellate practice is to save the impassioned jury argument for a jury. To that, I would add that it's generally a bad idea to insult the Justices from the lectern.) A 10-minute video clip is available on YouTube. It's worth watching not only as a reminder of what not to do at an appellate argument, but also for ABC's amazing casting of look-alikes for the High Nine.
In the first season, he argued before the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals. I couldn't find a YouTube clip, but here's an excerpt I found on an unofficial fan site. The stage directions and punctuation really pick up toward the end.
"Alan Shore: Zeke Borns never had a chance. He was rounded up as a teenager, thrown in a cell while he was still doped up on drugs, brow-beaten and interrogated, until his IQ of eighty was overcome, he confessed to a crime he had no memory of, still has no memory of, for which there is no evidence, other than two witnesses who saw him pumping gas around the time of the murder. He was given a coked-up lawyer, who admittedly did nothing. I’m now before nine presumably intelligent people in the justice business, who have the benefit of knowing all of this. Add to that, you know DNA places somebody else at the scene, and you’re indifferent! You don’t care! Whether you believe in my client’s innocence, and I’ll assume, with all due respect, may it please the court, that you don’t! You cannot be sure of his guilt! You simply cannot! And failing that, how can you kill him? How can you kill him? [He turns away from the podium and walks back behind the table.] And I would sincerely, sincerely, sincerely, hope that you don’t penalize my client, simply because his lawyers happen to be from Massachusetts. [He moves to sit down, then rises.] The home of the New England Patriots, who could kick ass over any football team you’ve got in the good state of Texas. May it please the court."